So Sayeth The Peabs


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Somewhere Over The Rainbow, I Shoved My Cock Down Your Thrizz.

Lions and tigers and Peabs, oh my!
Peabs just ingested half a jar of E and inhaled a dozen gravity bong hits of Laughing Buddha, and I'm feeling a bit- how should I put this?- honest. Which is rare, because everything that comes out of my pretty fucking mizz is a bold-faced lie. Shmears.

So today, on the eve of my Thursday debate with Ralph Nader, Peabs would like to share with you a little secret: I wrote the original script for the timeless classic "The Wizard of Oz." Schmobvs.

Originally titled "The Wizard of Obvs," my version of the film was much darker than the movie that would eventually be released. Not filthy fucking dirty in that "the Lion fistfucks the Scarecrow as he teabags Dorothy, who moans 'There's no cock like Holmes, there's no cock like Holmes'" sort of way. Err, wait... no, exactly in that way. Obvs.

In the Peabs version, Dorothy is running a brothel in Topeka, but isn't exactly making ends meet with her prudish, pre-op trannie call girls. So she decides to dabble in a little drug dealing- mushrooms, to be exact. The Lion, Tin-Man and Scarecrow are actually just figments of Dorothy's imagination; so much that she ends up hiring three lactose-intolerant Amish albinos to dress up as her respective hallucinations and act out Vaudeville scenes, with dildos strapped to their ooh-jahs. Why no one greenlighted this idea is beyond Peabs. Bovs on your effing Butterballs®, you fucking turkeys! Gobble, gobble.

Anyway, the real story was the legal battle Peabs had with MGM over the rights of the characters in the film. Representing myself (obvs, I'm quite possibly the greatest litigator in history), I was able to reach a settlement out of court: in exchange for the characters from the original script, Dr. Bill Cosby would play the Tin-Man, and MGM would provide yours effing truly with a lifetime supply of vicodin. Personally, I think I made out on the deal. And quite frankly, I thought you were amazing as the Tin-Man, Coz.
Bozzle bop!
"Yooooou've gots to know I flazzumed Judy Garland's bozzle bop!"

Tonight, the two real candidates for President square off in their third debate. For those of you who give a shit, watch. Howevs, the real debate occurs tomorrow, when Peabs and Nader go toe-to-toe in a completely fictional debate. Schmobvs. I best go prepare. And by prepare, Peabs means snort some fucking speedballs and mainline some Diethylproprion; gotta look nice and emaciated for the American people. Obvs.

Until then, when you're masturbating with a Vaseline-covered dildo and about to secrete all over your son's face, just know that Peabs loves you. Why? Because I'm fucking wonderful. Suck my fucking cock, you effing handjobs.

am was. are leaves few this. is these a or
scratchily over which of earth dragged once
-ful leaf. & were who skies clutch an of poor
obvs in


At 6:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


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At 10:33 AM, Blogger james said...

wow. did you actually write something here?

i'd like to think you're close to expressing something but i'm not convinced you did.

fuck it. lif's too short to worry about whether we're actually communicating when we're talking...

so...have fun w/ the drugs. :)

At 1:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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