Don’t Call It A Comeback, I’ve Been Here For Shmears.
A wise man once said: "Peabs, I used to long to be like you... to fist Chlamydia-infested harlots; to snort countless grams of ketamine. And with your retirement, my attempts to achieve the American Dream have become futile. Please come back, Peabs. You are everything to me. A guru, a patron saint. An adonis."
And while Peabs agrees with everything Joe Lieberdurst has to say about yours effing truly, it was still difficult to leave the lifestyle I had been enraptured with these past few months. Duhvs.
So, y'all are probably wondering a few things. Don’t you worry, my lovelies; Peabs just blew an eight-ball of Arm & Hammer®, and freebased some Midol®. Schmobvs. I'm ready to answer any of your questions. Below, I have transcribed a CNN exclusive interview Peabs recently took part in; my first interview in months:
CNN: Peabs, where have you been all this time?
PEABS: Peabs has been partying on the west coast of Thailand- the Phang-nga bay, snatch. Most of my days consist of speaking with my American contacts regarding the Obvs in '04™ Campaign, mainlining Thai heroin into my toes (no trackmarks, obvs), and taking part in filthy assfucking orgies with my friend and yours, Dr. Bill Cosby. I've also found time to collectively bovs upon the tees of everyone within a 400 mile radius. Mmmmmm, ain't nothing hotter than Krabi vag. Except for my hot fucking D™. Hogsviously.
CNN: Speaking of Coz, how is he?
PEABS: Why don't I let him answer that for himself?
DR. BILL COSBY: Youuuuuuuuuuu've gots to know that the flazzum bozzle is bazzle razzle, like the flizzum puddin' falafel boffle!
CNN: Is it true, Rep. Peabs, that your campaign has gone south since your hiatus?
PEABS: Let's face it, fictional CNN reporter. I was delusional. Peabs honestly thought that I could make a run at the White House. And to be honest, for a while there, I really had a shot. America was coming around. But, unfortunately, we're years away from getting someone like Peabs into office. I still plan to make some noise come this November, don't get me wrong. But it's the kind of noise you hear when I'm in midst of fingerbanging your grandmother. Or smoking crack with Louis Farrakhan.
CNN: Is it true that you think that you're a turkey?
PEABS: Peabs is indeed a turkey. But you best try me with an assload of gravy, because sometimes I get a little dry. Gobble, gobble!
CNN: Rep. Peabs, Dr. Bill Cosby, we thank you for your time.
PEABS: And I'd like to thank you for that hot effing rim-job you gave me. Shmears on your fucking lab-maj.
So, needless to say, Peabs is back. I know you're all breathing a sigh of relief. I understand my relevance in American pop culture; Peabs is a fucking phenomenon, a beacon if you will. And without me, well, your lives would be ordinary. Filled with ennui. I exist only to be pretty, brilliant and high. And to make your life worth living. And to give the Bush twins a bukkake casserole for lunch. Obvs.
Stay tuned for more as yours effing truly and Coz make our way back to the States, and into your bedroom. Speedballs will be provided.
Bovs on your fucking tees, you handjobs.
children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more"