Dirty Thirty.

Many of you understand the difficulty in being drop dead gorgeous. Peabs understands more than anybody, for I am the most beautiful man to have ever lived. Schmobvs. But Peabs wasn't always as confident as I am today- The New York Times calls it "obnoxious arrogance", but they can ess my fucking cock.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be seven years old and have a 19-inch D™? Shmears.

While certainly I have been taking part in kinky, dirty sex since birth, Peabs still found it awkward when my professors used to hit on me. Sure, I know what you're saying; this is what Peabs should expect if you're a well-endowed Oxford-educated scholar, attending Harvard Law before the age of ten.

This is why I turned to drugs.

Well, that and Dr. Bill Cosby. Robvs.

I remember vividly, at age 10, when Coz and yours effing truly were high-profile scenesters within the NYC club circuit. It was a great way to blow off steam in between fashion shoots and bar exams. Obvs. Peabs had already been exclusively blowing rails since 1965, but I had never tried E. Okay, that's a lie. Peabs actually used to deal E out of my Tribeca loft in '79 in exchange for hand jobs and Gyne-Lotrimin. At any rate, everybody in the scene wanted to fuck me (a ten-year-old A-list supermodel, who wouldn't want to fuck this perfect body?). And let's not forget about Coz; he was still riding high from the worldwide success of "Leonard Part 6." Schmobvs.


Anywizz, one particular night, Cosby and Peabs were at the closing of the late, great Paradise Garage, in Greenwich Village. I was fucking Cheryl Tiegs at the time, and Coz was with multiple women. This happened to be the night of my first ecstasy-induced public orgy. Hey, Peabs was a late-bloomer, so suck it! Gobble, gobble!

My lovely supermodel fuck-buddy felt it would be a good idea to pop about 5 or 6 pills and find a bunch of other really amazing-looking people and have wild, exhibitionist sex with them. With that, Peabs turned to her and responded:

"Tigs."

Now, let's set the record straight. I meant to say "Tiegs", but it came out wrong, which I attribute to the half-dozen bumps of K Peabs had ingested for dinner. Be that as it may, this was an epic night. Not only did I take part in my very first (of many, duhvs) ecstasy-induced public orgy, but I also created a word that is still used to this very day in everybody's everyday language. Tigs.

Peabs knows what's on your mind. You're wondering: where the fuck is this fucking fuck-up going with all this brilliant nonsense? And that's a legit question. Right now, Coz and my pretty motherfucking self are driving to my hometown of Detroit, to attend Uncle Grambo's 30th birthday extravaganza. Let's just say we plan to create even more unintelligible phrases and take part in ecstasy-induced public orgies all evening long. Bovs on everyone's tees, you fucking vibrators!


Happy birthday, Bizness. Peabs loves you. Obvs. And so does Dr. Bill Cosby. Right, Coz?

Happy flazzum, Grizzum Grazzum!

beauty makes terms
with time and his worms,
when loveliness
says sweetly Yes
to wind and cold;
and how much earth
is Madge worth?
Inquire of the flower that sways in the autumn
she will never guess.
but i know

my heart fell dead before:
obvs in
'04™