Happiness Is A Warm Peabs.

This morning, a noticeably tweaked-out Dr. Bill Cosby came to yours effing truly with a proposition: upon our inauguration in January, we must transform the National Institutes of Health into the world's largest meth lab. Personally, Peabs felt this was Coz's best idea since the time he suggested we inject some fentanyl into our gobble gizzards and sodomize the entire cast of "Blossom" with a Wascally Rabbit®. Nothing quite like seeing Jenna Von Oy take it in the ass while screaming "that's how Six likes it, baby; fuck me like a circus clown!" Razzle robvs.

The past few days have boviously been quite a blur for Peabs, not to mention that fucking crackhead Coz. Whilst it should come as no surprise to anyone that Peabs snorted countless rails of methcathinone upon giving myself a numerous amount of strangers, shockingly enough I managed to only fistfuck forty-seven slooty-sloots. It's not that Peabs is losing my libido, or my edge for that matter. For one, I felt as though I was stealing the proverbial thunder from Bill Cosby. And it's not as though Coz isn't getting an extraordinary amount of lab-maj ooh-jah all up in his bozzle-bop; it's that yours effing truly has been getting so many sloppy fozz's as of lizz that I need a bit of a change. And by "change," I really mean "dirty, sloppy handjobs." Sure, we have all had our debates on the validity of hojos as a satisfying sexual act, and I for one agree that a wicked suckjob from some coked-out stripper named Lady Cervix is far more superior than getting jay-oh'ed with a tube full of Elbow Grease®. Howevs, my good friend and long time Obvs in '04™ Campaign supporter Jory Husain made me feel otherwizz.

You might remember Jory from the incomparable '80's sitcom "Head Of The Class." What few know is that he later became a prominent figure in NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), and then founded YO-JOE! (You Oughta Jerk Off Everybody), an organization devoted to the search for the perfect handjob. He's also a raging crack addict and from time to time dresses up like a Native American and uses tampons as paintbrushes to apply his "war paint." Ugh. Be that as it may, the man can certainly find a tigs shats to the boombies HJ, and he decided that as a present from YO-JOE for winning the Presidential election, Peabs and Coz would receive the "Best Hand-Job In Town." Bovs on your effing tees, Alicia Keys.

So with that, my gorgeous self and my almost-as-pretty-and-wacked-out-on-cocaine Cabinet hopped in the Lear and flew to the UK, where apparently hojos are more common and deemed "brilliant." My guess is because the average British prostitute's teeth are so effing mangled that any self-respecting mo-mo wouldn't want her effing gingivitis anywhere near his A-Rod. Schmobvs.

Needless to say, I was personally treated to an effing ridunc-a-dunc HJ from a young lass who went by the name of Mistress Von Kajagoogoo. To say it was miraculous is an understatement; especially considering the fact that she didn't bat an eye that, upon tossing my salad, Peabs shat on her mizz and made her call me He-Man, Master of the Universe. In fact, her response was once of the kinkiest things I have ever heard muttered out of another human being's mouth:

"You like the way Orko gargles your hot shat? I want He-Man to be my own personal UPS delivery boy and ask what brown can do for Orko!"

Yes, yes, Peabs knows. Each and everyday I seem to outdo myself in my grotesque brilliance. And you know why? Because I'm fucking fascinating. Lest we forget I have a cock that makes Annette Funicello look like Frankie Fucking Muniz. Isn't that right, Dr. Bill Cosby?

"Youuuuuuuuuu've gots to know that Malcolm's flazzum is in the middle of the flizzum! Andddddd, if you bazzle his mother's bizzle, he'll shoot you with a drizzle drazzle!"

I couldn't have said it better myself. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course Peabs could have; I'm a motherfucking genius. Literally. No, shmeariously - I have an IQ of 1,492 and just fucked your mother. Mars she on your effing "Summer Breeze," Seals and Croft!

Peabs/Cosby: 4 More Shmears!