Positively Bovs Street.

Shmears. It would be an egregious antistrophe to say that your Pope, President and pride 'n joy, Peabs, had a derisory weekend. Normally, this would go without saying, but it's vastly apophthegmatic that one of my favorite pastimes is talking about myself. Duh. In fact, I believe it's third on my list, somewhere behind asslicking coke binges and fisting mongoloid orphans named Poo Poo. Oh, what's that Dr. William H. Cosby?

"What about the flazzum?"

Umm, no offense, Coz. But what exactly do you mean by "what about the flazzum"?

"Youuuuu seee, Dizzee and Coz are inquiring and conspiring and Spencer for hiring about the pontification of the bozzle!"

Ahh yes, that whole glorious debacle. Shmears.

Peabs is aware that my posts have been desultory, but my acumen is bona fide. Your gorgeous President and interim head of the Catholic church had been holed up with the College of Cardinals, as part of the election process for a new Pope. Whilst Peabs knew that my consideration for becoming the full-time pontiff was a long shot, I did my best at making myself appear as the most attractive candidate. Duh. I'm the most attractive person living or dead. Oh you disagree? Try being within a furlong of my bovsness for more than five seconds without simultaneously shitting your pants and fingerbanging your hot and throbbing lab-maj, you filthy fucking sloot! Peabs assures you that your attempts at denying my unequivocal fervorous tepidity will be futile! Shmears on your effing Du-X-Ring, you nefarious slutbags.

Anyhow, before the Cardinals congregated to select a new leader, each of us candidates had to go through a little self-promotion, if you will. And Peabs will, spank you very much. As mentioned above, there are few things Peabs enjoys more than talking about my fucking wonderful and charming exsistence, so I felt that I could use this to my distinct advantage. I decided against being innocuous, and instead short and sweet, despite the fact that Peabs is over six feet tall and so so effing dirty. Some say dirtier than my Mexican cousin Sanchez, but just slightly less dirty than Dirty himself. Mmmmmmmmmmboooooowwwwwwwww!!! Needless to say, I explained that my first name (yes, Peabs has one, though 'tis rarely used), Matthew, means "Gift of God" in Hebrew; for that reason alone, I felt the Popehood was mine. Now, hogsviously my omniscient self knows what you clever fucks are thinking. Peabs, aren't you God?

Certainly this isn't a far-fetched conjecture. Schmobvs.

Howevs, Peabs has always had more of a Christ complex than anything. Though I shalln't deny that I have proclaimed myself as God. Duh. Look at me. I'm so fucking pulchritudinous. That means "beautiful," you uneducated cockfaces. Mars. And contrary to popular belief, Peabs is the gift of God. Any rumors you may have heard foretelling said gift being a hookah filled with fuzzy-wuzzies and a box of Franzia® are merely scuttlebutt.

That being said, the priests apparently didn't take too kindly to this. They claim that my association with a known rapist and nonsensical pervert – that being Coz (robvs) – hurt my chances at becoming the new Pope. And since yours effing truly had been couped up this past week (sans blow, no less!), I hadn't heard about my beautiful black friend's recent sexcapades. Personally, I think this is fucking bullshit. So effing what if Coz touched a few women here and there? Last I looked, there was something like 800 million Catholic priests charged with habemusing little boys papams. She fucking mars.

This was probably a blessing in disguise, what with all of my burgeoning responsibilties as leader of the free world. Lest we forget I was itching something fierce for some sort of line, rail, bump, hit or toke, and another day of sobriety would have more than likely driven Peabs to start huffing paint again. And we all know what happens when Peabs huffs paint, right?? Boo-jah!

So with that, on this first day of my twenty-eighth year, I, Peabs, declare myself Emperor of the Universe. How does that sound, Dr. Bill Cosby?

"Yoooooouuuu seeeee, it sounds good to meeeeeee and Dizzzzeeeee!!!"

God damn right it does.

Forever Obvs™.