Castrated Incorporated.

Hi cutie! You wanna lappy-lap up Peabs' pre-jazz off of my Rod Carew and make a worldwide fad diet out of it? The answer is schmobvs. It's unfortch most of you mo-mos don't realize how many of those unnecessary ell-bees you'd take off by simply sucking my fucking D™. So please, by all means slobber away, you effing slutwhores! Yeah, just like that, baby. Tastes like USDA-choice 'roo, doesn't it? Bovs splitter-splattered all over your effing tatters! I bet you'd love for Peabs to Chute my Ladder all over those tees, eh Milton Bradley? Duh.

There are few things your loyal President hasn't done, and I am not afraid to admit such. Certainly Peabs has been one to spasm-jasm my spyro-gyra into Elmira's coffee (she takes it black; muhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) and shat toffee into David Klingler's Debra Winger. But this does not change the fact that yours effing truly has never taken a burly Buckaroo Banzai up the Erie Canal for a gondola ride, despite what recent tabloids have been printing. Okay, sure, I might've ingested some 714's, ripped off my custom leather assless chaps and had Dr. Bill Cosby stick a lubed digit up my Moondoggie while Peabs Ocean Spray®'d my Wavy Gravy across the lips of PETA members, but I can explain my actions. You see, Peabs loves animals (duhvs, I'm both a kangaroo and turkey - gobble!) just as much as the next guy; but what I love even more is my Gucci™ buttplug made from the pubic hairs of several gay possum. And apparently there are some fucking agenda-hungry, Vegan Rebecca Romaine-lettuce munchers out there who feel that this is disrespectful to the opossum, claiming that they have already been persecuted enough for their sexual orientation by legions of other phalanger. So effing what if they packed more Superfudge than Judy Blume? Shmears! Personally, if I were a homosexual possum, I'd be more than happy to donate my skin to create sex toys for drugged-out supermodels who think they're President of the United States! Ivca¹.

Be that as it may, I've had PETA activists all up in my ooh-jah all weekend, and it's quickly putting them near the top of my list of people Peabs wants to billyclub over the head with a sterling David Silver Slik Willy². Luckily, Rodney Roo had been exclusively smoking levo alphacetylmethadol with PETA President Vag Snatcherstein, so he was able to convince her that my pretty ass should be the least of her worries. She should be concerned with Dave Pirner, what with all of that effing mayonnaise and lack of relevant music in his fucking hair. Lest we forget he's also eunuch. I would know. I'm a doctor. Hey Dave, Dr. Peabs wants somebody to shove their cock down Anne Rice's thrizz, Le Stat! And that somebody is me. Isn't that right, Bill Cosby?

"Yoooooouuu seeeee, Peabs, even Dizzee Rascal thinks your last post was Kibbles 'n Bits 'n Bits and rizzle rits on the Riddler's tits compared to this glizzum glitz! Flazzum!"

You all want to have sex with me³.

Obvs in '05™.

¹Fuck, my cacoethes loquendi and neologisms make you want to shit on my face and call me Omnilord of VaginaLand, you fucksticks. Ratzo Rizzo!

²Don't even get me started on Women's Lib, Leslie Bibb or Adam's Rib, for fuck's sake. Though Peabs must say, Ms. Bibb once fingerbanged my asshole so shats boombies, I thought she was going to jumpstart my boo-jah like a petty car thief on mescaline. Mars.

³Duh.