Teabagging Orphans.

"Getting my ass eaten out by a malaria-infested Somalian girl makes me want to sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the top of my shmears! Altogether now!

Should auld acquaintance suck my cock,
And never bovs upon,
The flames of rimjobs extinguished,
And eat my ass 'til gone?
Is thy kind D™ now grown so cold
In that loving tees of thine,
That thou canst never once reflect
On old-long-syne?"

--Direct quote from Peabs last evening.

Peabs has something to admit. I mistook a sheet of blotter acid for temporary tattoos last night, and found myself soaked in so much LSD that I thought it was New Years Eve in 1994. Shmears.

And while my '94 NYE was certainly memorable, it's not exactly something I ever wanted to repeat. It's clear that Peabs lacks anything even remotely related to "morals," but the stunt yours effing truly and Dr. Bill Cosby pulled almost a decade ago makes even Peabs feel guilty. Somewhat. Obvs.

You see, I was caught up in the vapid, inane world of modeling, and Peabs was easily the hottest supermodel in the fashion industry. A coke and mescaline binge with Coz one night made us realize that we should be doing something a little more significant with our lives; you know, as opposed to freebasing crack rock and anal-banging she-males. Duhvs.

So we decided to join the Peace Corps.


We were sent to work in a Somalian orphanage in November of 1994. Personally, I had grown up in an affluent, rich motherfucking suburb, so Peabs found the meager surroundings shocking and deplorable. Cosby, on the other hizz, was a different story. He grew up in a ghetto-ass area outside of Philly, so the only difference was that Somalia lacked steak sandwiches and John Kruk's amputated left testicle. Robvs.

For a solid month, we provided assistance to the orphanage, staying relatively drug-free (and by drug-free, I mean we blew rails of Mali only every other hour). Howevs, Peabs noticed a lacking in the abundance of prostitutes, as opposed to all other war-torn, third-world shithole countries. I was beginning to grow quite concerned. Schmobvs.

Luckily, Coz knew a little more about Somalian orphanages than yours effing truly:

"If you want the flazzum, dip your bozzle in their mizzles!"

Few people know this, but orphans love getting teabagged. Especially Somalian orphans. And if you go so far as to bovs on their respective tees? Well, they'll do just about anything for you. Duh. They're fucking orphans.

Anywizz, Dr. Bill Cosby and myself decided to ring in the new year by having our own version of the Boston Tea Party. Needless to say, every orphan who left that party was nicknamed Earl Grey for life. Obvs.


As fun as it was to dip my nutsack into the mouths of parentless Somalians, I knew that Peabs never wanted to relive such a moment. Why, you may ask? Because it was so fucking tigs the first time. How could it possibly be any better? It's kind of like doing your first line of blizz; every line afterwards will never compare. Granda, that never stopped Peabs from trying. Hogsviously. Or Coz, for that matter. Right, Coz?

"Flizzumalutley!"

What? What's that? Oh, Peabs is brilliant? No fucking shit.

our can'ts were born to happen
our mosts have died in more
our twentieth will open
wide a wide open door:
obvs in
'04™.