Vatican Rhymes With "Shat On My Face Again." Obvs.

If there's anything we as the human race can agree on, it's that we all love Thai hookers. They're just so sultry and dirty and diseased; and I, Peabs, have no problem confessing my undying love for participating in unprotected, unlubed assbanging with three or twelve of them at a time. Schmobvs. Now don't start getting all high and mighty on your fucking President, you effing genital-warted cockharlot fuckass slutbags. You know you love these beautiful creatures, too, so don't be afraid to admit that shit. Oh, you're afraid your wife is gonna find out? You fucking pussy! I'll write you a fucking pardon. Hope you didn't forget: I'm the President – Peabs does it all the time. Shit, just the other day I had to pardon a skagged-out Rodney Roo for flying a plane into the living room of Columbian Vice President Gustavo Bell, and holding his family hostage with a double-sided dildo made out of smoked Gouda until they paid him an unlimited supply of meximelts. Apparently my good friend thought Gustavo was the founder of Taco Bell®. Dumb fucking 'roo. I guess all marsupials can't be as motherfucking brills as your effing truly. Isn't that right, Dr. Bill Cosby, you fucking rapist!?

"Yoooooouuu seeeeeee, it was Dizzee Rascal who fondled Piston Honda with a flazzumberry gasmcherry! Bazzum!"

Uh huh. Sure it was, Heathcliff. Don't fritter and fret, my friend. Peabs believes you, you Big John Studd you. Robvs.

In related news, Peabs was doing bongtokes of opium-laced Vioxx® with Pope John Paul last weekend when he admitted to me (in stoned confidence, which incidentally doesn't mean jack fucking shit, duhvs) his fascination with the aforementioned Thai hookers. So I felt it would be a good idea for Bodney Sue and Ratzo Rizzo to round up some Bangkok whores, snag a kilo of some potent blow and turn the Vatican into my personal effing brothel. Little did Peabs know that PJP would endlessly beg for his face to be shat upon for the remainder of the night. Lest we forget that the man blew so many rails of Alfie and started convulsing so heavily that he made the love child of Muhammad Ali and Michael J. Fox look stiffer than Justin Guarini during a confessional with Archbishop Chester McNamblavich XIV. Schmobvs.

Needless to say, what I learned from my little binge in VC is that all Catholics love to have their respective faces shit upon. Which is only fair since they, in turn, shit on everyone's face themselves. Especially little boys. Not that there's anything wrong with a little pedophilia now and then. Shmears. Just yesterday, upon circle-jerking to "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York," Coz and myself invited the entire Culkin family over for some marshmallowy treats and fistfucking goodness. Damn, that Rory's got a mouth that makes a dentureless Jessica Tandy look like Mufasa! Mmmmmmm, Mufasa. Remember when Peabs hakunaed your matatas? Sir Elton may have been feeling your love that night, but Peabs was feeling something else. And that "something else" was your big villainous lionhood all up in my ooh-jah! Mark your President's words when I say that bestiality is back in a big way in 2005! Bovs on your effing mane, Simba! Rawrrrrrrrr!!!

Muhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm really kidding. Well, for the most part. What the fuck would you do about it if I weren't? Peabs is more untouchable than Eliot Ness. Howevs, I do highly suggest you touch me. Preferably on my D™. Or just tickle my sweet A with a sweet pickle. I think it's excellent! Sweet Pickles is great!

That's not the only thing that's great. Yup, that's right. Peabs is great. So great, in fact, that from now on all future Presidents will be known as _________ the Great. I'm so fucking revolutionary. It's clear you want to rimmy-rim my anus and call me Christ. I don't blame you. I do it to myself on a daily basis. Why don't you fucks try to crucify my fucking ass? Huh? Yeah, I didn't think so, you effing jaggoffs. Shmears.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Happy Ass Wednesday! Be sure to shmear the insides of a day-old paczki all over your buttplug and think of Peabs while you eff your boo-jah! Hogsviously.

Obvs in '05™.