So Sayeth The Peabs


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Inevitably, You Would Prefer To Hummy-Hum My Hot Cockadoodledobvs.

Flazzums off to yoooooooooooouuu, Johnny!
This is not the greatest post in the world. This is just a tribute. Bovs.

There are few men who have caused Peabs to ever feel the affliction of penis envy (I'm looking in your direction William Randolph Hearst, you sassy cocksman!), and the recently deceased Johnny Carson certainly was not one of them. Not to sound crass (because, she effing mars, Peabs is never fucking crass; eloquent, sure...), but the aforementioned Carson was admittedly a mantastic talk-show host, a pioneer, if you will. And you will. Because I effing told you to, you fucking mo-mo buttfucks! Ratzo Rizzo!

Be that as it may, Johnny wasn't exactly "packing heat" in the area of all that which defines manhood, especially when compared to yours effing truly, or Dr. Bill Cosby for that matter. I know this may be in poor taste to speak ill of a man's cock size when he has recently passed; howevs, Peabs assures you that it doesn't taste nearly as poor as the queefing vaggie vag of your Aunt Mabel. Or your underage sister. Fucking slutbag whores. I bet you love the way Peabs teases you with my Presidential D™ and then denies your advances because your filthy snatches reek of fish oil and fried ooh-jah! Boo-jah! I'm on cocaine right now. Right now... it means everything. She mars all over your Sammy Hagars!

But shmeariously, folks...

When Rodney Roo came to Peabs and told me the news of Carson's passing, I was rather crushed. For those of you who didn't know, I made my first television appearance on "The Tonight Show" in 1979; with help from Coz, hogsviously, since he was once a guest host. Needless to say it went well, despite the fact that beforehand I had ingested sixteen tablets of dextropropoxyphene and huffed an entire paint can of ether. Schmobvs.

Below is an excerpt of our interview, in homage of the great man that was Johnny Carson. Any man that can put up with a toddler-aged Peabs, high on potent oral analgesics, is a genius in my extremely humble opinion. And by extremely humble, I mean I'm fucking GOD. Totally motally.

I was from Iowa.
Carson: You're rather attractive and well-spoken for a two-year old, Peabs.

Peabs: I just shit my pants.

Ed McMahon: Yes!

Carson: Do you attribute your success to your affiliation with Bill Cosby?

Peabs: I feel like I'm getting sucked off by a toothless crackwhore, Johnny. You hear me? I'm a turkey! Gobble, gobble! Right, Coz?

Bill Cosby: Dizzee Rascal is really Alfalfa spelunk-a-dunkin' his wooden mops on his J-E-L-L-O puddin' pops!

We'll miss you, Johnny. Obvs in '05™.


At 3:02 PM, Blogger showboat said...

Didn't your appearance end up on one of those "best of" compilations? I think it's a shame that they always leave off the part where you take Joan Embry's lemur behind the bandstand and have your way with it. They say Burbank, and especially Doc Severinsen, was never the same since that day.

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Girlielockhart said...

"Couldn't remember the greatest post in the world..."

Wait, that's all of your posts!

At 1:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear "Why the hostile attitude. Calm down. Someone, loves you. I knew Johnny Carson, when I met him on three seperate occasions. We kissed, and nearly "did it" , but I changed my mind. Would you like to know who I am? I,ll never tell. Not here any ways. Later Gator! He also wanted me to call him at the studio, which I did not. this was after his divorce from his third wife. When he kissed me I neartly fainted. He was "hot". Bye for now! Be nice.


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