So Sayeth The Peabs

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

You Want The Moneyshot On Your Fucking Face?

Blow it anywhere.
When Peabs is in midst of an election campaign, I am stressed out beyond all belief. Take for instance when Peabs ran for a seat in the Michigan House of Representatives; I was so effing consumed with the election that, in order to relieve tension, I would fuck upwards of 165 call girls a night. In fact, I used it as an angle to get votes from Michigan assembly line workers. And, obvs, it worked. They were able to relate to my genius metaphor; my campaign slogan: "Peabs, an assembly worker for your generation. And by assembly worker, we mean he lines up a bunch of coke-whores in a row and ass-fucks them." Bovs.

Anywizz, since running for President is about the biggest election possible, it's clear that Peabs has been tense these past few months (hence my hiatus, massive consumption of copious hard narcotics, etc). Every once in a while, in order to get my mind off of government and politics, I like to gather up a few friends and go searching for orgies. And not just any kind of orgies. No no, my friend. Baby lotteries. Duh.

I've spoken about baby lotteries in the past. Dr. Bill Cosby turned me onto them, and I've been hooked ever since. Since Peabs is a well-known drug, sex and gambling addict, baby lotteries are one of the few things that can cover all my vices! Obvs.

Bazzle!
Howevs, last evening, Coz filled me in on the newest orgy craze sweeping the nation: Moneyshot Parties. Gobble, gobble.

So we rounded up a crew, picked up a kilo of blow, and hopped in my Maybach. Destination: Topeka, Kansas-- the Moneyshot Party capital of the Midwest. Believe Peabs when I say this; there isn't a hotter city. So much jazz. Dripping. Everywhere. Schmobvs.

It was as if the whole city was taking part. I walked into a convenience store and the clerk's face was covered in oooh-jah booh-jah; headed to the local church to pray and shit, and three priests were giving an alter boy a bukkake. It was fucking magical. She mars all over your effing Wonka® bars.

Our little posse decided to hit up the party at the estate of famed psychiatrist William C. Menninger. While Peabs had never met the good doctor, he was a pal of Cosby's, and a supporter of the Obvs in '04™ Campaign. Quite frankly, any many that Coz describes as "razzle bozzle off the tassle bassle" is a-okay with Peabs. Robvs all over your fucking lab-maj, you effing vaginal secretion.

Menninger's place was figs. Granda, it's about a tenth of the size of my summer cottage at Cape Cod, but for Topeka this was the equivalent to the fucking Taj Mahal. Every room had magenta plush carpet and velvet couches. According to Coz, Menninger-- or "Captain Cumshot," as he liked to be affectionately referred as-- had been throwing Moneyshot Parties since the heydays of the 1970's sexual revolution. Which is pretty fucking impressive for a guy that died in 1966. Shmears. Be that as it may, these parties were very much underground until America's recent infatuation with "tees-bovsing." Bovs.

Anywizz, the party was fucking absurd. We blew through our coke in about an hour, but luckily a few partygoers were freebasing some aspartame and snorting Taco Bell™ Fire sauce mixed with special K. And while the high was amazing, Menninger's cryptic phrases kept freaking me out. An example:

I am Cumshot, Captain of all semen.
"Peabs, having a freedom from fear (anxiety) with a resulting true serenity and not a pseudo absence of tension."

All the fucking salsa and ketamine in the world couldn't help Peabs make any effing sense of that. So I asked Dr. Bill Cosby to translate:

"Flazzum bizzle, frizzle flizzum, and not a possum wossum of razzle bozzle! Jell-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO®!"

Ahh, yes. Of course.

So anyway, moral of the story: if you're on a lot of drugs, and fictionally running for President of the United States, take a washed-up television star and some friends to a Topeka orgy hosted by a dead shrink you've never heard of. It's the best way to kill a Tuesday night. Well, that and "nun-fucking," but we've already covered that. Fobvs.

It's so fucking hard being this fucking pretty. Duhvs.

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your
obvs in
'04™.

3 Comments:

At 10:50 PM, Blogger Thigh Master said...

gobble gizzle.

 
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