The William Tell Overture
We all know my good friend Damore. Once you get past the fact that he's a surly fucking bastard, he's a pretty fun guy to party with. Peabs has known him for most of my life, and in a way he's the man who introduced me to Dr. Bill Cosby. You see, years ago, Damore used to direct adult films, all of which starred the great Peter North. Peabs was taking lessons in jazz trajectory from the famed porn-star, who had starred in a little-known snuff film entitled "William Tells All." North's co-star? You guessed it. Coz. Schmobvs.
The film is rather brilliant. Peter North is well-known for his massive loads, and the movie centers around him shooting apples off the head of Coz with his jazz. Upon seeing this masterpiece, I knew I needed guidance. So Damore introduced us. Cosby just happened to be at North's Van Nuys pad, smoking crack and masturbating with a can of Castrol®. We had met a few times before amongst the NYC club scene, but this encounter was the beginning of our wonderful friendship. Bovs smothered on your effing tees, Coz.
Anywizz, there is actually a point to this story. This morning, Peabs was supposed to have an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America regarding the Obvs in '04™ Campaign. Needless to say, the interview didn't go as planned. She mars on your Kareem Abdul-Jabbars, you fucking handjob.
Cosby and yours effing truly decided to go on a bit of a Mali binge last night and apparently the good doctor bet Peabs that I couldn't pull a "William Tell" on the lovely Diane Sawyer. Since I have a wicked gambling problem, I took the bet. Obvs.
Well, anyone that watched GMA today knows full well that Peabs did not appear. With my morning cup of coffee, I decided to blow about 14 speedball rails, and I was feeling decidedly oooh-jah. When I entered the ABC studios and laid eyes on Diane, Peabs immediately placed a golden delicious square on her pretty head, and whipped out my effing D™. I know what you're thinking: Tasty.
You can pretty much guess the rest. Wait, what's that, Coz?
"Did you flazzum her falafel bozzle?"
If you must know, Peabs started to hyperkinetically beat off, while screaming "Gobble, gobble!" at the top of my lungs. And yes, I shot the apple clear off of Diane Sawyer's head with my moneyshot. It brought new meaning to bovsing on one's tees. Robvs.
Why don't people understand that Peabs is a turkey? Shmears. I guess you, my loyal followers, will have to convince the American public in November that it is okay to elect a drug-addicted, hooker-fucking pretty boy into office. Bovs.
Ladies, don't be afraid to admit your love for Peabs. I understand that when you're as fucking gorgeous as I am that it can be a tad intimidating. Fear not, whores. I'll fuck you sideways and blow ketamine off your ass-cheeks. We'll go out for a power lunch, and Peabs will fingerfuck you before you can order your second single malt. You know you want it. Call me Peabs De Leon,'cause Peabs'll explore your fucking tees and go spelunking in your vaggie-vag. Schmobvs.
"somewhere it is Spring and sometimes
people are in real:imagine
somewhere real flowers,but
I can't imagine real flowers for