Assamachusetts!

Robert McBride said it best:

"First you get the pussy, then you give 'em the money!"

For those of you who don't know the aforementioned McBride, he is a Chicago based whore provider who gave Peabs my first lesson in the art of hooker fucking. He is also a direct influence on my asinine vernacular, but I attribute that to the fact that he was an uneducated pimp. Shmears. Anywizz, there was a time in the '90's in which Dr. Bill Cosby and yours effing truly decided to visit good old Robert in what he liked to call Assamachusetts (he had names like this for most of the 50 states, snatch). And he didn't call it Assamachusetts because he was trying to be ironic. In fact, I'm pretty sure Robert McBride is convinced that irony is "sumthin' that's gotta lotta metal in it." Muhhhhhh.

Be that as it may, Coz and Peabs flew into Boston, and met up with our pimp friend. Why we were meeting him here instead of Chicago was beyond us, so we prepared ourselves for anything. And by that, Peabs means we did bongtokes of fermented turkey gravy (gobble!) and jacked off to Hindi gay porn during the entire flight to MA. Bovs all over your effing gizzard, you fucking Butterballs®!

Upon arrival, we were picked up in an early '70's Pinto and asked by McBride to wear blindfolds and sing "Hold My Hand" by Hootie and the Blowfish, changing every third word to "Asssssss". Strangely enough, Coz and myself had just done something similar with Andrew Ridgely the week before at a Sussex rim job gangbang/tea party. Duh. We were then escorted to an undisclosed location, and asked to remove our blindfolds.

Now, Peabs has seen some crazy shit in my day. Cosby, too. But what we laid our eyes on was by no means fucking oooh-jah. It was Heather Matarazzo, the quirky and by-all-means atrociously ugly star of "Welcome to the Dollhouse", defecating into a rather large fishbowl and sucking on what may have been the largest dildo known to mankind. Needless to say, it was quite the fucking sight. Bovs.

McBride took care of the introductions and soon left the room. Matarazzo turned to the both of us and said:

"Bill Cosby, I used to finger myself with Smuckers® jammy-jam when I watched you on television. And, Peabs, you brooding piece of ass; I used to cut out pictures of you from magazines, burn them, piss out the fire and freebase the ashes."

To which Coz replied:

"Bozzle!"

Pretty fucking original, Cosby. Anyway, moving on, the buttfucking uggs actress then asked for a favor that made even Peabs flinch:

"I plan to become a full-fledged dyke as soon as possible. I want you two to be my final male conquests. Coz, I want you to take this large fishbowl that I have shat in, and wash it out with your hot Afro-piss. Peabs, I want you to put that bowl on my head, dress up like an alien, and fuck me like the naughty spaceman Heather Matarazzo is."


And so I did. I'm not exactly proud of it. But frankly, if Peabs is what women want before becoming lab-maj munchers for life, who the eff am I to deny them such a request? Howevs, I'm still not sure if I was Heather's last D™; she didn't announce she was a 'bo until a few days ago. She mars all over your Rick Ocasek.

So why does Peabs bring this up?

Sure, Uncle Grambo's post announcing my past lover's lesbianism reminded me of our sick and twisted experience. But what really reminded Peabs was the coke-induced foursome yours effing truly, Dr. Bill Cosby, and former astronauts John Glenn and Sally Ride had aboard Apollo 11 last night. Let's just say Sally gives Tang® a whole new fucking meaning. Plus, she's got one mighty tasty pussy. Schmobvs.

A world of made
is not a world of born-pity poor
obvs in
'04™.