Banging Tracheas Is The New... No, It's Just Fucking Sick.
Few know this, but Peabs used to study under Lee Strasberg. I was actually quite the matinee idol for a number of years, but politics and fashion took me away from the acting gig. And thank fucking Christ for that! Could you even possibly imagine the fashion industry without yours effing truly? Or the government, for that matter? Peabs thinks not. Obvs.
Anyway, there was a time when Strasberg referred to me as Moses, and not so much because he was a delusional alcoholic genius, but because Peabs actually did part the Red Sea. Twice. Bovs. In fact, I'm not really sure why everyone makes such a big effing deal about it. Dr. Bill Fucking Cosby parted the Red Sea and the Mediterranean Sea on the same day! On 8 hits of acid with a dildo up his A, no less! Shmears.
This past weekend, Peabs spent most of my free time smoking crack with my old friend from acting school, Sylvia Sydney. Many of you may remember Sylvia from the 1988 film "Beetle Juice," in which she played Juno. Syl and Coz had quite the affair when we were all at the Lee Strasberg Theatre Institute in the early-'80's, but it was clear that she always had a thing for Peabs. Duhvs. I'm fucking beautiful. I could have down fucking syndrome and have been the product of anal leakage and still be the prettiest man evs. Gobble, gobble, you effing clit-rings.
Needless to say, it was clear when Ms. Sydney contacted me this weekend that she wanted to score some rock and have gratuitous relations. Obvs. Rarely do I ask anyone for sexual tips, but Peabs hadn't had sex with a dead woman in weeks. Errr, well, maybe a day or two, but whatevs. So I sought guidance from the always philosophical Coz about how to approach my encounter. Hogsviously, he responded in a grandiloquent manner:
"First you hit the bozzle, then you bazzle the mizzle mop!"
Basically, what Cosby told me to do was get her all sorts of effed on 'ludes, freebase some blow, and then go downtown on that old vaggie vag. Nothing sounded more appetizing.
That is, until after the aforementioned drug usage occurred and upon going down on the old broad, she was... well, let's just say she was bloodier than the Battle of Antietam. This made her angry:
"Peabs, eat that fucking shit, bitch! What, are you afraid? I thought Lee called you Moses 'cause you liked that shit!"
I replied, "Shmears! While Peabs may do a lot of sick-ass shit, the only periodical thing I dig is 'Hustler'. Bovs."
I thought I was off the hook. Au contrair.
"Then fuck my trache hole, you pussy!"
Fear not, my friends. Peabs, your future leader of the free world, did not do such a thing. In fact, I just smacked her over the head with a crackpipe and slightly bovsed on her tees. And by slightly, I mean there was no fucking way I could muster up a Peter North-esque load for this bitch. She made Betty White look like a 311 concert in Omaha. Shmears.
I'm the greatest thing known to mankind.
Brushing from whom the stiffened puke
i put him all into my arms
and staggered banged with terror