So Sayeth The Peabs

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Peabs Doesn't Break Hearts, Just Hymens.

I love cocaine almost as much as Len Bias.
During the Iran Contra Affair, Peabs was subpoenaed in front of a grand jury to testify against Oliver North. Few people know of my involvement in this matter, and I figured that before my fellow Presidential candidates release this information to the public, Peabs should come clean. Robvs.

You see, at the time I was both a well-known supermodel and high-profile litigator. I was just starting to get into politics when I met North at a coke and ass-licking party held at Alex Sanders' Van Nuys mansion. He had inquired "where I got my shit", so we exchanged numbers. Little did Peabs know that Oliver was a fucking lightweight, and that whenever he gets effed on blizz, he likes to sell weapons to Middle Eastern countries. Fucking handjob. Shmears. The worst thing Peabs has ever done on cocaine was befriend Dr. Bill Cosby, and we all know where that's gotten me. Yup, that's right, baby. Smack dab in the mids of your effing uterus. Bovs.

Anyway, upon testifying that Peabs did indeed sell coke to Oliver North, the government advised that I should lay low until the whole affair blew over. Being an A-list celebrity and the most beautiful man in the world didn't exactly help matters that much. Neither did getting arrested for trying to smuggle ketamine from Honduras in Cosby's cock-folds. Schmobvs. Be that as it may, this was when Peabs decided to hightail it to California.

It was there in which I took a job as a PA on the set of "Growing Pains". Even in disguise it was clear that Peabs was fucking gorgeous, and heartthrob Kirk Cameron was growing quite jealous of me. I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself, so in order to avoid a confrontation with the sit-com star, I offered him some high-quality smack. Mike Seaver was hooked from the start. Gobble, gobble.

I love God.
Since then, Cameron has apparently rehabilitated himself from his wicked horse addiction through Christianity. Pussy. This didn't stop Peabs and Dr. Bill Cosby from participating in an interview given by Kirk, which I have graciously transcribed below. She mars.


Kirk Cameron: Peabs, Dr. Cosby, thank you for joining me today. Just to let you know, our interview is sponsored by The Way of the Master.


Rep. Peabs (D-Mich.): Thank you for having us, Kirk. You look a lot less smacked out than the last time Peabs saw you.

Dr. Bill Cosby: Bozzle!

KC: You see, Peabs, I have gone The Way of the Master. I don't need drugs or a hit television program- in which I carried Alan Thicke's sorry canuck ass- to satisfy me.

Peabs: So what you're saying is you're a fucking douchebag now. Shmears.

KC: A douchebag? Perhaps. But not a "fucking" douchebag. The Way of the Master calls for a vow of celibacy. Anyway, let's get to the interview. Peabs, what is your view on Christianity, and how do you plan to spread your religious beliefs amongst the American public as President of the United States?

Peabs: Well, you see Kirk, I've never been a very religious person. Certainly Peabs has had many a torrid affair in church parking lots, but that doesn't make me a devout Christian. Shit, if that were the fucking case, with the amount of whores I've buttfucked on my elementary school's playground, I could be an effing Phys. Ed. teacher. Bovs.

KC: Don't you feel that the public deserves a little more than that? With The Way of the Master, and my status as an A-list celebrity Christian fundamentalist handjob, I have been able to spread the word of the lord to many, many people.

Boner.
Peabs: Let's get something straight, Kirk. A-list celebrity? Fucking Boner's more of a celebrity than you are. And he probably gets laid. A lot. I mean, shmears, his name was fucking Boner! You're more on par with Stinky Sullivan. And stop with this Way of the Master shit! Maybe if you were David Fucking Carradine, it would sound more figs. But you just sound like a dildo who hasn't had his salad tossed since '87. Schmobvs. Don't you agree, Coz?

Cosby: Sounds like he needs his flozzum flazzumed!

KC: How dare you bring up Boner, Peabs! I, Kirk Cameron, was the star of that show! I was in "Like Father, Like Son," for Master's sake!

Peabs: She mars, Kirk. You and I both know that fucking Arthur couldn't save that movie. Plus, "Vice Versa" was the more superior 'father and son switching places' film. Duhvs.

KC: Peabs, do you feel that you're a 'good person'?

Peabs: If there's anything everyone knows about Peabs is that I believe that I'm a fucking amazing person. And you know why? Simply put, I'm incredible. Handsome, brilliant, big fucking D™- the total package. And I know where you're going with this. You're going to ask me if I think I'm a good person in God's eyes. Well, you know what Kirk? Peabs is God. Obvs.


Personally, I thought that went well. I don't think Cameron involved Dr. Bill Cosby enough, but let's be honest here, folks. All Coz would've said was "flazzum" and "razzle dazzle bozzle bop" and we all would've laughed hysterically. Bovs on your fucking boombalats, Billy Ripken!

More later from the Obvs in '04™ Campaign trail. Peabs knows you want to suck my cock. Shmears, step in line. I think there might be a spot right there in between Indira Gandhi and BJ Thomas. Float on, Damore! Cockring.

We've got each other, sharing the laughter of love.

arriving in an exhausted condition, i purchased two bags of lukewarm
peanuts
with the dime which her mama had generously provided(despite courte-
ous protestations)
and offering Miss Gay one(which she politely refused)set out gaily for
obvs in
'04™.

2 Comments:

At 12:04 PM, Blogger JPMcKrengels said...

That interview sounds only slightly less annoying then the one I had with Ray Comfort on the plane from L.A.... but perhaps that's because Ray Comfort is a little Kiwi shit that talked my ear off for 5 hours about "being saved".

 
At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Bennett said...

This can't work as a matter of fact, that is exactly what I believe.
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