So Sayeth The Peabs


Monday, October 11, 2004

Blumpkining The Elderly.

Guns of the Navarone.  Obvs.
Peabs was way too effed to update last Friday. Then I realized: Peabs doesn't fucking post on Fridays! Fridays are meant for doing opium bongtokes, ripping lines of Kool Aid® and buttfucking Genghis Khan. So anywizz, now I'm back and fresher than a vagina full of Massengill®. Mmmmmm, Massengill®. Schmobvs.

As mentioned last week, Dr. Bill Cosby and yours effing truly challenged fellow Presidential candidate Ralph Nader to a debate, which has been set for this Thursday. And with that, we were able to get a hold of the questions (thank you fistfucking and cocaine!) and doctor them to give the Obvs in '04™ Campaign a distinct advantage. And because Peabs loves each and every one of you (lest we forget I want to empty my spizz onto your fucking face, you silly little hookers), here is one of the aforementioned questions and how Peabs plans to answer:

Representative Peabs, in a recent interview you stated that in order to better health care in the United States, you must "club senior citizens over the head with a blunt object." How is that possibly going to make anything better at all? Oh, and by the way, you look amazing in Prada. And you have a really big cock. Discuss.
My cock tastes like salsa.
"Firstly, Peabs would like to thank everyone here, wherever the fuck we are, for putting on this fucking debate. I'd also like to thank my supporters for that kinky call girl you threw in for last night. Damn! I haven't been sucked off like that since Kathy Najimy deep-throated my D™ on the set of "Sister Act 2." She mars! Moving on, I'd like to point out that blumpkining the elderly as purpose for health care reform was not solely my idea. You see, one evening Dr. Bill Cosby and my pretty self were hosting an anal gangbang; all proceeds were going to the Obvs in '04™ Campaign, snatch. The extremely talented Jon Secada was in attendance, fresh off of a performance of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which I hear he is just simply amazing in. Incidentally, Jon has a thing for older women, so Coz introduced him to Sophia Loren's she-male twin, Brophia. Throw a little LSD and Diflucan into the mix, and suddenly Secada's beating Brophia over the head with a crowbar and jazzing all over her closed-head injury. Robvs.

This gave Bill Cosby, a doctor mind you, an effing tigs idea: quarantine senior citizens to bathhouses, lube the geezers up, and give them a bunch of blunt objects. Sooner or later, they'll just off each other, and BAM! Health care reformed. Now sure, Peabs was on so much heroin that I thought I was getting my ass rimmed by Cosby's 1966 Emmy for "I Spy", but that's neither here nor there. I'm fucking wonderful; that's what's important here. Peabs also just blew more coke than Ken Caminiti on Opening Day in '97, so you'll just have to humor me. Bovs on your fucking clit-ring, you fucking buttplug."

And that's just one brilliant answer. Just wait until we get to the Cosby-penned questions. They'll make you want to masturbate into a Kangol® hat, wrap in tin-foil, and give it to Samuel L. Jackson for Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble! Peabs is a turkey!

Tonight, Coz and yours effing truly are taking a bit of a break and flying to Zaire and reenacting the "Rumble in the Jungle." Howevs, our interpretation will be slightly different than the original. Coz will play George Foreman; but his conceptualization will include blowing mali during round breaks, and having dildos for arms. I shall take on the role of the great Muhammad Ali; but present-day Ali. I'll do a bump every thirty seconds on my flight to Africa, so that by the time we land, I'll be shaking like Peabs has Parkinson's. Isn't that right Dr. Bill Cosby?
"Yoooooouuuuu've gots to know that Michael J. Fox has the flazzum flozzle!"

it will become you;and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more
obvs in


At 4:40 PM, Blogger The Head said...

Shouldn't it be George Foreman?

At 4:44 PM, Blogger Peabs, Emperor of the Universe said...

Shite, good call. Next time Peabs should check his facts instead of mainlining skag. Change has been made.

Obvs in '04.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger Uncle Grambo said...

"Brophia Loren" ... funniest thing I've read in months.

At 11:40 AM, Blogger somegirl said...

i prefer bludgeoning the elderly.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

John Secada, the later day latino Donny Osmond... minus the sex with his mormon sister.

Bovs, Secada's sister isn't mormon.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

John Secada, the later day latino Donny Osmond... minus the sex with his mormon sister.

Bovs, Secada's sister isn't mormon.

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